Personal Growth and Goals

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Conflict has gotten a bad reputation.  All our lives we have heard messages such as Don’t fight, Love one another, and Be nice.  As a result we see conflict as a sign that somebody (usually the other side) is “bad” or “wrong.”  Therefore, we try to avoid conflict and sometimes simply pretend it does not exist.  Ironically, this is precisely the attitude that creates more conflict. 

While conflict can be painful, it is a natural, even healthy, part of life.  That may be difficult to accept, but once you do, you are freed from having to blame a conflict on someone (whether yourself or others) which enables you to manage it more rationally and productively.

Here is what I mean by dealing with conflict — turning heat into light.  First, minimize the amount of conflict in your life.  Certain behaviors attract conflict like a magnet.  When you identify and eliminate them, your life can become a whole lot easier. 

Second, minimize the severity of your conflicts.  Not every conflict needs to be escalated into World War III.  Good conflict managers often find easy, painless resolutions to potentially explosive situations. 

Third, win more.  This requires a new definition of winning.  Normally for there to be a winner there also has to be a loser which is true in sports, politics, and war.  But conflict management means finding a solution in which both sides can win.  The downside is you do not always get one hundred percent of what you want.  Remember, however, that under the old “win-lose” rules you often got one hundred percent of nothing.  

The best reward for handling conflicts confidently is the way you feel about yourself.  It seems that we have a choice in life.  We can have conflicts either with other people or with ourselves.  People who avoid external conflict by complying or pretending to be someone they are not usually end up raging with conflict inside.  By bringing conflicts out in the open and overcoming them, we develop honest, forthright, and loving relationships with ourselves and others.  We turn heat into light.  Here are some suggestions for doing just that. 

1.  Choose time and place carefully.  Never initiate a conflict in a public setting or when uninvolved people are present.  Also, be careful about confronting people after a hard day, before an event at which they have to be at their best such as a presentation or performance review, when they are dealing with a mistake or loss, or when they are working under a deadline.  Sensitivity to the other person’s circumstances is important in any one-on-one communication, but in a conflict it is critical. 

2.  Change behaviors, not people.  There are two directions in which you can go when facing a conflict.  You can fix the problem or you can fix the blame.  The first is by far the more productive.  If you make it your goal in a conflict to convince the other person that he or she is wrong, you will almost certainly fail.  How much better it is simply to change that person’s negative behavior.  An example would be if you have a typist who consistently misspells words. You may be tempted to point out that a “good typist would never make these mistakes,” a claim that would certainly be “right.”  A more productive resolution, however, would be to remind your typist to use spell check on her computer or a dictionary.  The key is to keep your eye on the solution, not on the problem. 

3.  Agree on something.  Restating your agreement on basic goals makes it easier to discuss your disagreements and how to achieve them.  It reminds both sides that the relationship is solid, which instantly minimizes insecurity and defensiveness, and sets the stage for cooperation and problem solving.  You are on the same side instead of being adversaries.  A couple of ways of stating your agreement on basic goals are “I’m bringing this up because I believe in you and want you to succeed here,” and “It seems we agree that we need to get this project done by the end of the month.” 

4.  Use I-language.  “I-language” means stating your case in terms of your own feelings.  Instead of telling someone “You broke our agreement,” you would say “I’m not happy with the way things are going with our agreement.” Notice how the first comment, “you-language,” naturally leads to defensiveness.  It is, after all, an attack.  The second statement may not be welcomed by the other person, but it is far more likely to be accepted.  Make I-language your approach even on minor issues.  You may say “I did not understand what you said” instead of “You did not explain that clearly.”  By forcing you to keep your argument to the facts and preventing personal attacks, I-language serves you on all three conflict-management fronts.  It reduces the number of conflicts, minimizes their severity, and leads more easily to winning solutions. 

5.  Figure out where you went wrong. . . or how you may have contributed to the conflict and admit it.  Difficult as this is, owning up to your mistakes is one of the most important aspects of conflict resolution.  Did your rushed directions contribute to your co-worker’s mishandling of an issue?  If so, admit it early on and you will free the other person to admit his or her part in the problem.  When appropriate, and that is probably more often than you think, there is no better way to begin a confrontation than to say, “I know I am partly responsible for this situation.” 

6.  Criticize with precision.  A lot of conflict is the result of sloppy and vague criticism.  Suppose you tell one of your peers “You’re unprofessional.”  Unless that person knows what you mean by unprofessional, there is not much he or she can do about it except feel bad, resentful, unmotivated, spiteful, etc.  How much better it is to point out specifically what the problem is. “Punctuality is important to me and you were twenty minutes late this morning and ten minutes late for this appointment.”  Conversely, when someone gives you vague criticism, ask that it be clarified.  “What am I doing that makes you think I’m unprofessional?  I’d like to change it.”  Think about this the next time you tell someone (or someone tells you) “You have a bad attitude,” “Your performance isn’t up to par,” or any one of the many other vague criticisms that we hear every day. 

7.  When someone attacks . . . agree.  On occasion you may find yourself dealing with someone whose goal is to hurt you or to embarrass you in public.  Trying to find a “win-win” solution will not work because his or her goal is to make you lose.  In a case like this, some creative sidestepping may be in order.  For example, if someone says, “Your tie clashes with your suit,” your response might be “You’re right; my tie does clash with my suit.”  By refusing to acknowledge the sniper’s implicit attack — “You don’t know how to dress, you’re unprofessional, you don’t belong here, etc.” — you have deflected it.  In fact, your implied message is “So what?” a retort your attacker will rarely counter.   

Another way to handle the person who insults you in public is simply to look him or her in the eye for a second or so . . . then move on.  Your implied message in this case is “I heard what you said and I’m not going to deal with it.”  Not dealing with it is a right you can exercise most effectively to leave the insult in the sniper’s lap where it belongs.  Be careful that you do not come across as pretending you did not hear the insult.  That is powerless behavior.  Make sure the eye contact is strong and confident before you move on. 

8.  Bow out for a while.  Giving yourself time is a good rule of thumb in all conflicts, but it is particularly important in high-emotion situations.  Time allows the emotions to cool which enables both sides to move more easily from the blame phase to the solution stage.  Imagine that you have discovered, to your outrage, that a co-worker has overstepped his or her bounds and caused a big problem for you.  Instead of confronting your co-worker immediately, force yourself to wait a few hours or even a day.  This does not mean you should not have a strong confrontation, just that you will be more effective once the first rush of anger has subsided. 

9.  Have more conflicts.  Many people, believing that conflict is a sign of a major breakdown in a relationship, strive to have conflict-free relationships.  To do that, they avoid or swallow the inevitable problems that arise between people.  As a result, resentment builds either slowly undermining the positive aspects of the relationship or instantly causing a blowup.  How much better it is to bring up problems and annoyances, even minor ones, as they happen.  Some people may find this behavior odd at first, but they will come to appreciate the result which will be a relationship where honesty prevails and neither side keeps an “account” against the other.   

10.  Find the third option.  The minute emotions flare, the natural inclination is for both sides to lock into their positions automatically.  The goodwill is gone and the goal is no longer to resolve the conflict, it is to win.  This is a critical juncture and how you handle it determines whether you will be a winner or a loser at managing conflict.  The challenge is to break out of the “win-lose” bind. 

Two married friends of mine tell of the evening when it was the husband’s turn to cook.  He did not feel like it so he suggested that they go out to dinner.  His wife was tired and she refused.  Just as each was getting into how selfish and insensitive the other was, their four-year-old daughter suggested having a pizza delivered.  End of argument.  Creative solutions are often embarrassingly easy to find.  Just be open to them. 

11.  Agree on the future.  Just as it is helpful to keep your conflict focused on the specifics of the problem, it pays to keep the solution focused on the specific action that will be taken.  For instance, your boss confronts you on exceeding your budget on a project.  Instead of saying something like, “I’ll be more careful next time,” you might suggest that you present weekly budget updates on your next project.  By agreeing to this specific course of action, instead of just stating your good intentions, you demonstrate your commitment to solving the problem and dramatically decreasing the chances of its happening again. 

12.  Work it out on paper.  A tool that integrates many of the principles I have just presented is reproduced here.  It is a simple conflict worksheet that I use in some of my seminars.  The beauty of the system is its simplicity.  If you invest the two minutes it takes to complete this form, you are far more likely to get positive results in your next conflict.  The letters below correspond to the letters on the form. 

            A.  Describe the results of the other person’s negative behavior.  Either describe your feelings “I get angry” or the bottom line effect in terms of time, money, morale, etc.  “It causes us all to miss our deadlines.”  

            B.  Describe the other person’s negative behavior.  Remember to focus on the behavior, not the person.  “When you miss your deadlines” or “When you raise your voice,” not “When you act like a jerk.”  Remember to be specific and non-judgmental.

            C.  Make a request.  Identify the preferred behavior and ask the person to use it, “Would you please be more realistic about your deadlines?

            D.  Describe the positive effect of cooperating.  This is the benefit to the person if he or she changes the negative behavior, “I’m sure we could work together a whole lot better.

            E.  Describe the negative effect of not cooperating (Optional).  “I’m going to have to give you a written warning next time you’re late.”  Be specific abut the follow-through and then do it.  As the song says, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”       

Photocopy this form and keep it handy. 

For more information about Ken Chapman and Associates’ Leadership Development Programs, contact Ken Chapman at 205.366.0265 or email Ken at kchapman@leaderscode.com.

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