Personal Growth and Goals

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When people are criticized, their usual response is to defend themselves by arguing against the criticism.  Unfortunately, this response usually steps up the battle.  The critic and the person being criticized become polarized and seldom gain in their understanding of each other. 

A better response is to disarm one’s critic by agreeing with the criticism.  Disarming is a powerful listening skill.  It means finding some truth in what the other person is saying and agreeing, even if you think they are off base. 

Disarming is effective because it takes the wind out of the other person’s sails and has a calming effect.  Suppose your boss approaches you with a shaky voice and red face and says, “This proposal stinks!  Were you daydreaming when you wrote it?” 

Let us assume you put a great deal of effort into the proposal and felt proud of it.  You would like to lay into your boss.  Instead, you are better off disarming him by responding like this.  

“It sounds like I really missed the boat on the proposal, even though I worked hard on it.  Could you tell me what you liked and disliked about it?” 

The first part of this reply will calm your boss who will go on to communicate specifically about what is really bothering him.   

When you agree with criticism, you let your critic know you are not afraid of criticism and you are willing to listen.  That attitude will almost always melt the hostility and win the day.   

Let us say a co-worker tells you, “You’re too emotional and irrational.  Why don’t you use a little logic once in a while?” 

You could disarm the co-worker by telling him, “I agree with you.  I often overreact and get illogical.  It must be frustrating to be around me when I do that.” 

People usually criticize out of frustration.  Recognize that their feelings of frustration are valid.  The following are techniques for disarming a critic: 

• Remember that there is always a grain of truth in criticism, even if it sounds obnoxious and insulting.  Find that truth and agree with it.

• Resist the voice inside you that tells you to defend yourself.

• Be genuine in agreeing with your critic.

• Look for a common framework so you can begin to understand each other.

• Maintain a sense of self-esteem when you agree with criticism.  If someone says, “You’re a jerk,” do not become morose and reply, “Yes, I really am a worthless jerk.”  While maintaining your sense of self-esteem, reply (with a twinkle in your eye), “I probably do come across as a jerk at times.”

• Disarming takes practice.  Use every opportunity to perfect it. 

Remember, you should not have to agree with someone who is being unreasonable.  But you will be better off if you do.  When you disarm people at first, later on you will often win them over.    

For more information about Ken Chapman and Associates’ Leadership Development Programs, contact Ken Chapman at 205.366.0265 or email Ken at kchapman@leaderscode.com.

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