Personal Growth and Goals

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Respecting others’ opinions is part of a larger attitude of respect — respect for the whole person that we are expected to develop as we grow up.  Respect for opinions is not an easy art at all.  It requires self-esteem, self-control, sensitivity, tolerance, fairness, and generosity.  And it applies both to stated opinions and to opinions that are unspoken.   

There are at least two ways of showing disrespect for others because of what they think.  One is by telling them that their opinions are crazy, stupid, worthless, etc.  The other is by assuming that what we think must be what they think also. 

Respecting others’ opinions does not mean being untrue to our own.  It simply requires us to recognize that others are entitled to look at the world differently and that when they share their views with us, they can expect a fair hearing. 

What we believe is an integral part of who we are.  Therefore, we tend to perceive criticism directed at our opinions as rejection.  When that happens, defensiveness and resentment can put an end to dialog.  This means we should follow good protocols of agreement and, if possible and appropriate, do the following: 

1.  Save the core of someone else’s opinion even as you qualify your acceptance.  “Yes, I agree that what you say may be true in general, but there are circumstances when . . .” 

2.  Recognize that although you do not agree, what you hear is not unreasonable.  “Indeed, that idea can be appealing, however, . . .” 

3.  Allow that if you knew more, your opinion might change.  “I don’t know.  It doesn’t seem right, but perhaps there is more here than I am seeing at the moment.” 

4.  Make generous use of the metaphor of perspective.  “Yes, but if you look at it from a different point of view,. . .” 

All these are forms of qualified disagreement which in most circumstances are preferable to absolute disagreement.  Through them, you will usually manage to take the sting off your challenge.  If, however, the opinion in question is repugnant to you, feel free to reject it out right.  “I’m sorry.  I believe this is wrong.”  “I disagree.  I find this opinion offensive.”  “You know, this really goes against my principles.” 

The way we react when we do not agree depends on where we are, with whom, and what we are doing.  Someone argues that more public funding should go to private schools, an opinion you do not share.  At a PTA or town meeting, you can take your time to present a detailed, forceful argument against it.  As an invited guest at a dinner table, however, you may decide to ignore the issue or you may briefly state why you disagree before turning to a less controversial subject. 

In other words, you may want to balance your desire to state your convictions with your concern for good fellowship that your hostess worked so hard as fostering.  In general, any meal is not the best venue for a political debate. 

Many speak as though their opinions were necessarily shared by everybody around them.  This presumptive sharing can originate in simple lack of sensitivity or it can be a deliberate, if covert, way of saying, “If you don’t think like me, you should start now.”  Either way, it is a form of bullying. 

You support political Candidate X and his plan for industrial pollution control which is opposed by Candidate Y.  Resist the temptation to declare to your co-workers in the cafeteria, “It’s going to be X by a landslide.  Voters can’t be so dumb that they won’t see through Y’s shenanigans.”  Of course, somebody at the table may very well be a supporter of Candidate Y’s policies.  You are entitled to your political preferences, but others are also entitled to hear them expressed in a civil way.        

We are all victims at one time or another of presumptive opinion sharing.  I find myself drawn over and over again into playing the worn-out game of television bashing.  There is always someone who thinks it is time to remind me that television is awful and harmful to me and the rest of humanity.  This is presented as a self-evident truth upon which everybody with a semblance of a brain agrees and which should, therefore, go unexamined.  I am thus expected to join in this gerrymander with a disconsolate shaking of my head.   

Whenever I am exposed to the lamentations of the television as trash group, I am inevitably ill at ease.  Strange as it may seem, I believe that there are good programs on television.  The thousands of men and women who work in that business deserve better than a blanket indictment as producers of junk.   

But all this is almost beside the point.  The point is that I resent finding myself inducted into a club I did not ask to join.  Those who operate according to the “I’m sure you are one of us” assumption think on our behalf.  They dismiss the notion that we might have a different opinion.  This is, for lack of a better word, rude.   

Those with views different from yours may refrain from revealing them to preserve the harmony of the conversation.  Or, they may choose not to challenge you because they feel intimidated by you.  Aware that they are giving the impression they agree with an opinion when in fact they do not, may feel frustrated.  Spare them.  Present your opinions as just opinions rather than transcendental truths.  Make room for disagreement, invite feedback.  Among the most civil utterances of all time is the simple, humble, and smart question?  “What do you think?”  Let’s use it generously. 

Who knows, we may learn something by listening in earnest to an opposing view.  We may even discover that our opinion is not as good as we thought it was and that it is time for us to change and expand our horizons.   

For more information about Ken Chapman and Associates’ Leadership Development Programs, contact Ken Chapman at 205.366.0265 or email Ken at kchapman@leaderscode.com.

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