Change

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Change=Loss=Grief.  This equation is true for all of us.  Webster defines change as, “making or becoming different.”  Thus any change involves a putting away of something – a loss if you will.  And every loss causes us to grieve to some degree.  Most of what we know about the grieving process is based on the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who developed a model called the Five Stages of Grief.  This model describes how people deal with terminal illness and death.  However, the reality is that any change of circumstance – any perceived loss for us - can cause a grief reaction, moving us through the same five stages. 

1.      Denial: Disbelief in the situation

2.      Anger: Placing blame for the situation

3.      Bargaining: Trying to negotiate my way out of the situation

4.      Depression: Realization that I cannot change the situation

5.      Acceptance: Seeing the situation as it is and realizing that options exist 

Of course, the rate at which we go through this process – and the intensity of each stage - obviously changes depending on the severity of the perceived loss.  Let’s say, for example, that you’ve gone to a restaurant to order a favorite dish only to find out that the menu has changed and the dish is no longer served.  The grief process might look something like this: 

1. Denial: “You’re kidding me!  That’s the best thing on the menu.  It’s got to be here somewhere.  Are you sure they haven’t just changed the name?” (You say as you scan the new menu still looking for the dish.) 
2. Anger: “I’ve been looking forward to this dinner all day!  Who had the big idea to change the menu?  I’ve been a frequent customer here for 5 years now and no one bothered to ask my opinion!” 
3. Bargaining: “Look, I don’t mean to be unreasonable – I just really had my heart set on that dish for dinner.  Will you please ask the Chef if he could just make it for me this one time?  I’d be willing to pay a little extra for it if he could…” 
4. Depression: (After being told the dish can no longer be prepared) “Well, if I can’t get that, it doesn’t really matter what I get.  Nothing will satisfy my craving now...” 
5. Acceptance: (Somewhat begrudgingly) “All right…just give me a minute or two to look over the new menu to see if I can find something else I might like.  Do you have any recommendations?” 

 This whole process  takes as little as  three minutes.  Accepting a bigger change - a divorce, for example - may take years.  And although these five stages are generally true for all, the way in which people experience them is highly individualized.  The order of the stages may differ from person to person, as well as the intensity of the reactions.  Regardless of how we experience them, all of these stages are normal reactions to any change and the perception of loss that results from it.  Normal, however, does not mean uncontrollable! 

We cannot control all of the changes that occur in our lives, but we can choose to grieve constructively over those that cross our paths.  That is, we can make it our goal to move through the grief process to “acceptance” as quickly as possible by avoiding getting stuck at any one stage along the way.  If we fail to reach acceptance, then we never get beyond our grief.  We are unable to seize the opportunities that almost always come from loss.  So the question becomes, “How do we avoid getting hung up along the way?” 

Acknowledge your emotions, but focus on the facts

The grief process begins with some flawed assumptions that, if left unchecked, will most certainly lead to a resistance to change that is hard to overcome.

• This change is all about ME.

• YOU are doing this to me.

• I have to keep this from happening.

These internal statements then drive us to feel alone, angry, desperate, fearful, etc. – all of which are normal when change is afoot.  But don’t allow those emotions to trump facts.  If you allow yourself to believe a restaurant changed its menu simply to spite you, the resulting conversation would probably end on a much more negative note.  When you’re facing change, seek as much factual information as possible. Then choose to believe facts rather than your own version of what’s occurring.  It’s one thing to know the facts – it’s another to accept them as facts– regardless of whether you like them or not.  You cannot change the facts of a situation; you can only work through them to find the most positive outcome for you. 

Tell yourself positive stories about what can happen, while taking proactive steps to make it happen.

If you’re not naturally a “glass is half-full” type of person, don’t worry!  Optimism CAN be learned - it just takes practice.  When you find yourself facing change, answer these four questions as early as possible and then follow your own directions: 

1. What positive end results can come from this change?
2. What thoughts/self-talk will help me stay focused on those positive results?
3. What feelings will motivate me?
4. What proactive steps will move me toward those results?

Positive thoughts will lead you to positive actions that then bring about positive results.  And the more this process occurs, the more the whole process is positively reinforced over and over again.  Of course, the opposite is also true...  

Look for the lessons you can learn, and determine to let them change you for the better.

For more information about Ken Chapman and Associates’ Leadership Development Programs, contact Ken Chapman at 205.366.0265 or email Ken at kchapman@leaderscode.com.

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