|
Ken Chapman & Assoc. |
Close
Window |
|
|
Article How
Not to Regret Regret Regret
is the pain people feel when they compare what
is with what might have been. Regret
is one of the most universal feelings.
Research has shown that men and women of all ages express regret
about the results they feel from past actions. Two
Faces of Regret Regret is an inescapable part of life.
For every choice we make, we give up a host of other options
leaving us open to feelings of regret.
So it is important to learn how to put regret into a livable
context. If we are able to
confront regret realistically, we can avoid its negative effects and
instead convert it into a positive tool to make effective life choices. When
regret over past events takes over people’s lives, it leaves them stuck
in the past,
racked
with self-blame,
unable
to make positive decisions. We
are all familiar with fictional characters, and some real life too, who
have never married because of a regretted romantic experience early in
life. But
regret can also serve a valuable positive
function. Properly utilized,
it can help us learn from our previous mistakes, reexamine our personal
values and goals in life, and come to terms with the need to balance
different aspects of our lives. Coming
to Terms With the Past We
all feel regret that something in our lives did not work out as it might
have. The degree of pain
accompanying feelings of regret is closely related to the amount of
self-blame we feel. But
self-blame over the past leads to depression in the present and poor
decisions in the future. Coming
to terms effectively with our regrets requires not self-blame but
self-compassion. That does not mean excusing ourselves
- just
assessing the past realistically and accepting our personal limitations. Sometimes
external forces caused the situation that led to regret as people are
seldom totally in control of a situation.
While we can’t change an event in the past, the one thing we can
control is our attitude and reaction toward it in the present.
Even if we did once make a really bad decision, we are not fated to
continue on the same path forever. If
we use our regret to understand what we did wrong, then we can hope to do
better next time. Making
Better Decisions Examining
our regret can help us understand our true values and why our “real
selves” are unhappy over what we did in the past.
It can build a bridge to a better future because understanding what
we really want will make us better able to resist the external forces that
caused our past mistakes. These
forces from family and friends or from the outside environment of beliefs
and ideas bombard us everyday and persuade us unthinkingly to adopt wants
and ambitions that we don’t really share. Understanding
our true priorities in life is important because we suffer more regret over the things we didn’t do than over the things that we did
mistakenly. Helpful:
If
we act in accordance with what we really believe, we are likely to suffer
less regret later even if it does not work out the way we hoped.
But if we never examine our priorities and just continue on the
same path afraid to take risks on a new endeavor lest we stumble, we are
likely to end up with serious regrets over the roads not taken. Regret
can have a powerful effect on us. This
is particularly true at certain times,
birthdays,
anniversaries, holidays,
that
focus our attention on differences between what was, what might have been,
and what is. How
to Cope With Regret There
are a number of specific ways to harness regret as a help for making
better future decisions rather than a source of remorse or recrimination.
Anticipate
Regret The best way to avoid future regret is to think now about how today’s decisions are likely to affect anticipated future situations. The better your decision, the less regret you are likely to feel. When you know that a significant event is likely to occur in your life, begin thinking ahead about what you need to do, now and later, to prepare for it. Even an apparently simple decision may have hidden consequence. So gather information, talk to others who faced similar choices, learn what their regrets were and try to get an objective view by hearing different perspectives. After weighing all the evidence, think about the prospective gains and losses to yourself and others closest to you and about how you and they are likely to feel about it later. You will be able to make a thoughtful choice that will minimize your future reasons for regret. <End> |
||
|
Copyright © .
All rights reserved. Ken Chapman & Associates, Inc. |